When Yours is the Prodigal
“Sometimes it is mercy to let them sink to their lowest point. Sometimes it is mercy to let them fail. Sometimes love looks like letting them go.”
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” (Jeremiah 31:3 ESV)
Whew- another long one. I promise they won’t all be this long. Last week’s blog was heavy. This week’s blog is hard, but I believe it is a message so many of you may need to hear. Because you’ve done your best. You’ve prayed over your children. You’ve led them to church. You’ve spoken truth over them. You’ve discipled them. You’ve set boundaries for them. But they’ve strayed.
This is the reality for so many parents. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. Any of us could be in your shoes. I have had numerous friends in this position, and I have watched them walk through a heartache I am terrified to feel. I have seen shame, regret, and anxiety shadow their hearts as they question every move they made as a parent. You can do everything possible to guide your children, but they may still take a dark road. And if you are in this position, here is the truth: no matter how much we do “right,” our children still have a choice to make. They are accountable. And for someone like me who likes to believe I have at least a little control in this world, this can be hard to accept.
I take comfort in knowing that God understands our heartache. Isn’t He our Father? Imagine His own heart as He watched us fall in Eden and every single day since. How many times have we wandered and strayed? And how often does He wait for us, longing for our return? We see this beautifully displayed in the Parable of the Prodigal Son with the father peering into the distance, waiting for the return of his wayward son (Luke 15:11-32). If you look at Israel’s history, it happened over and over again. God gives the law; the people disobey. God redeems. The people detour. God rescues. The people bow to idols. And it’s our story too, isn’t it?
After disobeying and repeatedly turning to idols, God’s people are carried into exile in Babylon. Again, the people are there because they directly disobeyed God’s commands. Many of them perish and never turn back to the Lord. I love the message the prophet, Jeremiah, speaks to them; it is a brutal one of repentance. But it is also a hope and a promise they’ll return home. All of Chapter 31 is amazing, but I want to focus on a few places which reveal the character of our loving God when we stray, too. This is the same God we serve today. And His character doesn’t change.
“Is Ephraim my dear son?
Is he my darling child?
For as often as I speak against him,
I do remember him still.
Therefore my heart yearns for him;
I will surely have mercy on him,
declares the Lord.” (Jeremiah 31:20 ESV)
If you have a prodigal, if you have a child who has wandered away, I know the pain is great. I know the worry feels suffocating. I know you’ve lost sleep. Look at how God felt toward His wayward child, Ephraim. As often as God disciplined him, He remembered him. He yearned for him. He longed for him. God understands your yearning.
Keep going…look at God’s promise to His people. Oh it’s so good.
“For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people.” (Jeremiah 31:33 ESV)
And this is the mercy of our God. Not only does He give the law as a guide written on stone, but He literally writes it on our hearts. It becomes a part of us because He becomes a part of us. He resides within us. And the very same God who made these promises to His children in exile is the same God who writes the Word on our heart now. But you know when this takes place- when “those days” is referring to? After His people repent. And the forgiveness of a holy God changes them and is forever etched on their hearts. This is what we want for our prodigals- true repentance. True heart change.
What can we do to encourage this when our children wander? What do we do while we are waiting? Here are some truths we can remember:
1. Model God’s love.
As the prodigal walked toward home, did he pass familiar landmarks? And did these images invoke pain in his heart as he remembered his rebellion? I would imagine so. I would imagine it was with great grief that he walked onto his father’s land, not knowing how he would be received. But His father threw a banquet. His father welcomed him home. Here is what we must remember: the father celebrated because the son was truly repentant. He was broken and ready for change; he came home seeking it. The key verse today says that God’s love is everlasting- not conditional. We get to be literal representations of Christ to our children! And we can only do that if we model the same love the Lord has shown us. It is patient and kind, and it keeps no record of our wrongs (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7).
2. Stop enabling them.
Sometimes our children will tell us what we want to hear. The trap parents can fall into is rewarding their children when they only say all the right words without any action. This is enabling, and I see it frequently. It’s rampant, friends. And when we enable them, we become a great danger to them. We hinder change. There is such a critical difference in loving our children and enabling them. There is a critical difference in showing them mercy and only encouraging future mistakes. Sometimes it is mercy to let them sink to their lowest point. Sometimes it is mercy to let them fail. Sometimes love looks like letting them go. The prodigal only returned once he hit the depths of despair. And he came home on his own. His father didn’t drag him back. His father didn’t stop him from leaving. He didn’t send him more money. He allowed his son to encounter consequences, and this is what I often see my students’ parents avoid. They shield their children from suffering consequences, and they make excuses for them. God never enables or excuses the sin of His children. He lets them experience the outcomes of their actions. We can’t change our standards to win them back. And in the end, that consistency will be a comfort to them.
3. Model repentance instead of using guilt.
This is a hard one. I have seen many parents attempt to control their children with guilt. I think it is a temptation for us all because it seems to work so well in the beginning. I am not proud to say this, but I have used it on my own children. Guilt does produce results…for a bit. But over time, it loses its effectiveness because it only really produces despair and bitterness. There is a difference between guilt and godly grief (2 Corinthians 7:10). In working with teenagers in a school and ministry setting, the students who often rebel the most are those who have lived under the weight of guilt for years. They begin to resent their parents. And they just want to get away from them. They especially resent them if they are religious, and they begin to resent the Lord. I promise you- I have seen this over and over. Guilting our children when they stray by making it personal won’t work. It won’t result in lasting change. Only the Holy Spirit has the power to change a heart. Instead, our children need to see that we aren’t perfect. They need to see us approach God in repentance when we stray- because we stray, too. They need to know the truth that we have wandered as well so that they can approach us to find their way back. Guilt over how they’ve hurt you doesn’t work. Instead, we model and pray for true repentance because it is the only way to be restored. They can learn what repentance looks like by watching us. We don’t have to parade all our past mistakes, but we can be transparent and let them know we are human and in desperate need of God’s forgiveness.
Despite our deepest prayers, our children may wander away. But we can continue to pray for them. We can continue to love them while remaining firm in our convictions. We can encourage genuine repentance by allowing them to see our own mistakes and our own repentance. And when they return, we welcome them home. We throw a banquet. Then God does the amazing work of restoring and writing His Word deep into their own hearts.
This is how they make the return.