Becoming Mama

“The Son she once held as an infant was now holding her, becoming her ultimate Comforter, Sustainer, Redeemer.”

Becoming a mother changed me. It altered every corner of my heart- forever. It is a vulnerable kind of love. A scary love. A sacrificial yet rewarding love. It’s a love that takes you by storm and leaves you overwhelmed in the very best way. When I was about to have my first child, Parker, I remember having this crazy thought: “What if I don’t love him the way I am supposed to?!” I had no idea the kind of love that was waiting for me. And later having my daughter, Avery, only magnified the heart’s ability to somehow double in capacity. I never knew I could love so deeply.

I truly feel I began to grasp the love of God when I became “Mama.” I still can’t quite grasp it, though. But please don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that we can’t know the love of God without being a parent, but my personal understanding of His sacrifice deepened then. And my appreciation for Mary began in that moment, too. Beforehand, I always moved quickly past her part of the miraculous story. Sure, it was admirable, this young teenager chosen by the Lord to deliver the Savior of the world. Her purity and her sincere obedience drew my deepest respect. But my thoughts about her usually stopped there. Until I identified with her. Until I had my own little loves. Until I became “Mama.”

I often think about how much Mary must have adored her boy.

How she cradled Him, permanently absorbing all His baby features- His cheeks, His eyelashes, His puffy baby hands.

How she watched Him roll over, crawl, and walk, celebrating every single milestone.

His first word- was it her name?

How she watched Him grow, aching for the days of His infancy.

How much pride she had for Him.

How much she must have wanted to protect Him, yet she inwardly released Him to do His Father’s will.

How much she surely trusted in Him.

How much she would miss Him here.

What did she feel when the presence of God literally entered her own heart through the Holy Spirit? The Son she once held as an infant was now holding her, becoming her ultimate Comforter, Sustainer, Redeemer. Through the sacrifice of her Son, they would have a reunion in Heaven. But until that day, what an appreciation, what an incredible joy she must have felt for the Holy Spirit in a way maybe we can’t quite comprehend. I want to value the Holy Spirit like this as He dwells within my heart- my ultimate Comforter, Sustainer, Redeemer.

One night in 2015 when Parker was just a toddler, I went to bed thinking about Mary. I couldn’t sleep because I was consumed by what she must have felt for her Son. I tossed and turned for hours writing a poem (or really, a song in my head). It’s very comical now…I came strolling out of our bedroom to share it with my husband, Chris, while he was unsuspectedly watching tv . Poor guy- he had no idea what was happening. I walked in, tears streaming down my face, and announced, “I’ve just been thinking about Marrrrrrrrrrry!”

*insert uncontrollable sobs

No context. No explanation. 

*insert Chris looking utterly confused and burying his face into his glass of milk to keep from laughing. He could tell I was in a fragile state and laughter wouldn’t go over well! 

Oh gracious. I then sat next to him on our couch and forced him to listen to me read the poem out loud, which was broken apart by my violent sobbing. The guy just continued to drink his milk. I remember getting so angry with him and yelling “Quit drinking your milk!”

Today, Chris and I laugh about this moment. I am pretty sure he even sneakily recorded me reading/sobbing; thankfully those videos are lost. Hopefully! But today I want to share the poem with you. I pray as you celebrate Mother’s Day that it will move your heart to consider the humanity of our Savior- how much He loved, how much He was loved. I pray that if you are a Mama, you will know just how much you are loved and appreciated. I pray you’ll know the love of the Father. Becoming a Mama made me love the Lord in an entirely new way. It gave me a deeper appreciation for the Lord’s presence, for His Spirit. Today, I am overflowing with gratitude for my Savior.

My Little Boy

On that day, my whole life changed.

Just a glimpse and I knew that you were mine.

Your puffy hands,

A love so deep,

You came and changed every part of me.

Even as I watch you while you sleep, I think:

How did I earn a love so undeserved?

You’ll change the world, my little boy.

And on that day, her whole world changed.

Just a glimpse, and she beheld a holy God.

His tiny hands,

A love so deep,

He came and He swept her to her knees.

As the watches her baby Jesus fall asleep, she thinks:

How did I earn a love so undeserved?

You’ll change the world, my little boy.

And on that day, her whole life changed.

Oh, what sorrow she had never known.

He walked the hill to Calvary.

He paved the way for her to be redeemed.

And as they took her baby off the cross,

She cradled Him one last time and thought:

Your nail-pierced hands,

A love so deep,

Sacrificed to reach a wretch like me.

And even as I watch You finally sleep,

You’re my little boy

My Prince of Peace

My mighty King and Comforter

My Everything

How did I earn a love so undeserved?

You came and You changed this whole word.

My little boy.